Positive Self-Talk
Growing up in a religious environment, I was constantly encouraged to “let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly”. One of the things this meant to me at the time was that I should have positive thoughts. During high school, at some point I noticed that I had a lot of negative thoughts. Not necessarily about myself but about everything. I would find myself muttering “freaking mother effer” (literally) under my breath in the crowded hallways of my school in between classes. I recognized it at that time and felt like maybe I should change it, but also, nobody but me knew I was saying it so what was the big deal? And also, I had a hard time stopping it.
Much earlier, I recall riding in the car with my Dad and he’d often randomly burst out with little quips like “good grief!” or “oh boy…”. It was kind of strange, but I also got it, I think. I have a strong internal monologue and I assumed he did as well and these were simply times when the inner monologue accidentally became and outer monologue.
I eventually got a job in an office doing programming, and I’ve had feedback from pretty much anyone who’s ever worked near me that I am very vocal while I work. It’s not uncommon for me to say, out loud, “Oh! I see!” (when I finally understand), or “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” (when I finally understand how stupid some code is). I remember a new coworker later telling me I actually really freaked him out several times because he assumed I was talking to him. I was not. I wasn’t even fully aware that I was doing it.
In the past few years, maybe since I’ve been isolated by working from home all day, I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts. You know those times when you’re falling asleep and you suddenly remember the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? It’s like that, but nearly constant. I found myself, again, muttering “gosh dang mother effer” about a hundred times each day. I’m not sure if my family knows I do it, but I know they’ve heard me say something because a few times they’ll ask “what?” and I’ll say “oh nothing, sorry”.
Well, again, I decided I’d like to change that habit. I’ve never been diagnosed or anything, but I believe this is a form of mild Tourette syndrome, or at least some of the symptoms. One strategy I’ve developed for dealing with past shame and embarrassment is to apologize, if needed, to the person I feel ashamed for hurting or wronging. Or, more likely, to myself. To reassure myself that yep, I made some mistake or error but that it’s okay.
So now I find myself repeating to myself “It’s okay, Dave” about a hundred times each day. Sometimes, if the feeling is very intense I might even say “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Say it three times quickly. Like a whisper. Sometimes if I’m relaxed and alone I might even yell it. “IT’S OKAY DAVE!!! IT’S OKAY!!!” When I’m able to slow down in the moment, which isn’t very often, I’ll actually slow all the way down and say something like “Yeah man, you really did mess that up. That was embarrassing for you and for them. But you know what? It doesn’t seem like anyone holds it against you, so it’s okay. You learned and you can try to do better. It’s okay, Dave. It’s okay.”
I’m not perfect still, and honestly I’d like to stop the intrusive thoughts, and the impulses but I feel like “It’s okay” is a better solution that “f%&k you mother f&%$@er”.
I’ve also leaned on this strategy when I’m dealing with a very low and depressive mood which isn’t incredibly often, but often enough that I’m having to deal with it. “It’s going to be okay, Dave”. “You’re going to have a great day!” “Has anything you’ve been so worried about before turned out to really be that awful?” I wouldn’t say it really helps but it does keep the wolves at bay.
I don’t know what my future holds. But I’m hopeful that there will be things that are very much worth it. There is joy yet to be had and incredible things yet to be done.
“It’s okay Dave.”